It felt so tired, hiding who you really are.
Especially when you evaluate everyone around you, and you found that their love is conditional.You then think of so many possibilities that may happen.
” Mate, you’re a really good friend , you’re always with me when I need somebody, but I don’t like you shoving your gayness all over me. Gay’s disgusting”.
” I don’t raise you as a faggot, you’re not my son.”
” Think of God! God hates you for being a sinner!”
Life’s truly draining away. You could hide under the shadows of hobbies and interest, of having fun all the time, of reading all those books you can get your hands on- but whenever a book is finished, the movie watched has ended, the songs have stopped playing, you really feel the emptiness. The stillness of the air, the silence of your heart.
The weeping of your soul.
You feel so lonely, you cry so hard and so often you can only sleep when you take the sleeping pills.
Sometimes, you feel like taking them all in one gulp.
It becomes more tired online, actually, when most are so accepting, but people in real life are so mean. So many virtual hugs, so many expressions of love and sympathy, so many ” It gets better”. Even you speak of the “It gets better” to those strangers who experience exactly as you did, perhaps worse. It gets better to anyone else, life will never be better for you.
You know you couldn’t really escape this.
And life’s draining away, smile’s fading away, and what is left are just personas you put up all over : ” the always helpful guy”, ” the loner guy”, ” the career minded guy”, ” the religious, socially awkward guy” ” the friend who will always be”.
You have no real friends you can trust, and you only have adults who hate you.
“Repent. You should be dead”, said a teacher whom you used to trust more than anything. ” Get your acts together. I’ll tell your parents you’re gay if you don’t stop being one”, said a cousin you tell everything before.
So many years wasted. Why waste some more?